ActJokes: Tech week - The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as hell week. Theatrical Logic In is down, down is front Out is up, up is back Off is out, on is in And of course- Left is right and right is left A drop shouldn't and a Block and fall does neither A prop doesn't and A cove has no water Tripping is OK A running crew rarely gets anywhere A purchase line buys you nothing A trap will not catch anything A gridiron has nothing to do with football Strike is work (In fact a lot of work) And a green room, thank god, usually isn't Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms, Break a leg. But not really. Principles For the Actor Do not listen to your fellow actors (it will only throw you). Hold for all laughs -- if you don't get it, repeat line louder (face front if necessary, or laugh at it yourself). Tension gets results. Emotion is like an orange, you must squeeze it to get the juice. A performance, like concrete, should be molded then set. Your first responsibility as an actor is to find the light. Do not look at your partner -- You may not see what you want. Always be specific, point to what you are talking about. If a line isn't working for you, change it. Cultivate an attitude of hostility. (NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY) Stage Managers are not actors -- Ignore them. Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention. Mistakes are never your fault. Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or insignificant. Never arrive on time. Never carry make-up; someone will always have what you need. Help Stage Managers keep alert by not signing in. Never help understudies (why should they steal your business?). Help your fellow actors by giving notes whenever you feel it's necessary. (If they ignore you, report them to the Stage Manager.) Whenever possible, give them notes immediately before they go on -- it will be fresher that way. Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language. Keep other performers on their toes by making fun of their performance. Play the reality -- be aware of the audience. The key advantage is surprise -- don't let actors know what you're going to do. The difference between amateur and pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money. Create your character -- find your own costume. Never change anything that's working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem. When in doubt about an ad-lib, go "Whoo!" Even if a piece of schtick doesn't work, keep using it. Signs You've Been in the Theatre Too Much Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday. "Q" is not just a letter. National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you. You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room." You can only read from a light that is blue. You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby." You can't remember what daylight looks like. You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber. You know tie-line has several uses---shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders... 95% of your wardrobe is black. You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half-time. You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly. You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop. You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpt-er-coat, a sharpie, tie-line, and a safety pin. Your diet consists of fast food or microwaved food. Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape. Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right. You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway. You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er". People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway. Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive-thru. You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope. "Practical," "Drop," and "flat" are nouns. Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting." At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen. If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour." Jokes About Stage Managers Good News, Bad News Two stage managers, nearing the ends of their careers, were discussing the likelihood of there being some form of theatrical endeavor in the hereafter. The first consulted a friendly medium. Later the following exchange took place between the two stage managers: SM1: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a wonderful theatre in heaven -- well equipped, spacious, plenty of wing space. In fact, there's a show opening tomorrow night." SM2: "That's wonderful! So what's the bad news?" SM1: "You're calling the show." The Perfect Blackout An old stage manager arrived at the Pearly Gates. As a reward for years of patience, discretion, and endeavour, St. Peter granted him a single wish. "I've never seen a perfect blackout -- can that be arranged?" he asked. St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness descended. There was not a hint of spill from worklights or prompt corner. There was total silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin drop -- just complete silence and total darkness. It lasted 18 seconds. When the lights came up again, St. Peter was gone and the Pearly Gates had been struck. Breaktime Q: Why don't they give stage managers breaks? A: Because it's too hard to re-train them. Pencils Q: How many pencils does a stage manager have? A: One. They can draw another one out of their hair if they lose it. Some Lightbulb Jokes Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Complain to the director at notes. Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it! Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to deal with it. Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it. Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem. Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb? A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp? Q: How many theatre critics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: All of them - 1 to be highly critical of the design elements, 1 to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, 1 to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, 1 to critique the performance of the bulb itself, 1 to recall superb lightbulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep. Q: How many theatre students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Erm, what's the deadline, cos I may need an extension. Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to do it, one child to cry and another to say, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB." Q: How many interns does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It doesn't matter because you'll have to do it again anyway. Q: How many directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3...no, make that 4...on second thought 3... well, better make it 5 just to be safe. Q: How many assistant directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there. Q: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Why do we need another lightbulb? Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!! Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Where's IATSE? Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It's on my list...It's on my list... Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: One, once he puts down the donut and coffee. Q: How many IATSE guys does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twenty-five and a minimum of four hours, you got a @!%#&@ problem with that? Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: LAMP! It's called a LAMP you idiot! Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Where's my assistant? Q: How many technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it. Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Doesn't the stage manager do that? Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They can never find their light. The Experiment A reknowned research institution undertakes to document the spatial-cognitive processes of intellectuals in various professions. They recruit an architect, a surgeon, and a props manager. They construct three isolation booths, completely sealed off from external interactions or stimuli. They place one guy in each booth, and give each one a set of three perfectly-matched steel balls, about three inches in diameter each. They seal the booths and return in one week. The architect has constructed a geometrically-perfect pyramid with the balls, yielding insights into stress dynamics and materials tension. The surgeon has placed the balls in a formation that hints at the nature of the unexplored regions of the human genome, solving some fundamental questions involving genetics and DNA. When the props manager's booth is opened, the interior is a shambles and there are no balls to be found. Upon inquiry, the props guy says, "Okay, okay. I admit I DID lose the first ball. But I SWEAR I don't know what happened to the second one, and besides, you only gave me two balls to begin with!" You know...I worked in the theatre for five years before I learned that "F***ing Electricians" was really TWO words.